I was just going to use Google Apps free version to handle the email for museumssuck.com, but I kept getting the following vague error message: Google Apps does not currently support this domain name. At first I thought maybe it was a DNS propagation lag or something, so I waited another day: Google Apps does not currently support this domain name. And that’s when it occurred to me.  Museumsareboring.com: Welcome to Google Apps! Museumsarefuckingboring.com: Google Apps does not currently support this domain name.

Now, any of you who know me professionally are liable to know two things.  The first is that I think advanced content filtration algorithms are absurdly silly. The second is that I am pretty darn good at advanced content filtration algorithms.  I once sold a (funny, I thought) article that would explain these two seemingly contradictory facts, but the magazine refused to run it or return the rights to me.  Which at the time seemed like a suitable-to-the-topic Hellerian outcome.  (In the magazine’s defense, I wanted to call the article “Can a Robot say Vagina to a Thirteen-Year-Old?”  In my defense, the article included a scene where adults with PhDs debated this very matter at earnest length.  I offered to change the title to “Is Fucck a Bad Word?”  Negotiations broke down after that.  If I recall, the article concluded with the following technical summary of writing content filtration algorithms: “Sckrroo this b-lschytt.”)

Anyway, my perverse ears pricked.  And I couldn’t wait to test my chops against mighty Google.  The nutshell verdict:  I’m waaay better at software-spotting naughtiness than Google Apps.  From a decade of broadcasting user input from middle school kids.  I should make my algorithm available as a catchily-named web service.  Maybe I’ll get Google-acquired.  Hmmm… mouthsoap.com?

Shit.com can’t run Google Apps.  Shits.com can.  (I assume the second-s rule is to give you the benefit of the doubt for the use of hits.  As in yoursiteshits.com.  Or greatestbeatleshits.com.  Etc.)

Ass is the one that always gave me fits in that regard.  I tried bass.com: Welcome to Google Apps! Ok.  Hmmm.  Ass.com?  Welcome to Google Apps! Asshole.com?  Welcome to Google Apps! I guess they decided not to get mired in ass algorithms altogether.  Good choice, Google.

Hmmm… museumsareassholes.com?  That’s not as catchy.  Guess I’ll have to load my own SMTP.